A Letter to Those I've Pushed Away

I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry I stopped communicating with you. I’m sorry that I’ve let you down. We used to be so close. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

Whenever something happens to me I retreat into myself. At a time when what I need more than ever is support and friendship and people to talk to, help make sense of things or to take my mind off of things I shut down. Instead of reaching out, I stop going out. I stop talking and messaging people. I stop sharing my thoughts and feelings. I just stop. It’s easier for me to deal this way even though it’s not dealing at all. It’s running. It’s hiding. It’s avoiding.

I’ve done this so much over the last 3 years. I’ve done it through fear of being judged. I’ve done it through fear of being a burden. I’ve done it through fear of being misunderstood and rejected. Deep down I know you don’t think any of these things, you just want to know and learn and try to understand what I’m going through. You’re just happy that I’m here.

I want to get better. I don’t want to just be a shell of a person. I want to be able to share thoughts and feelings and laugh over nothing instead of overanalysing every single little thing that is said or done. I want to be able to stop pushing away the people that I’m closest to and who mean the most to me.

This is just another thing that my illness has taken away from me.

The first steps are putting this out there, apologising to those I’ve pushed away and isolated myself from, trying to explain why I’ve done what I’ve done despite not wanting to do it or not even truly noticing that I’m doing it until I feel like it’s too late to go back.

This is me trying.

AJx

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